Fighting for joy

Hey, how are you? I hope September has been good to you.

I sat in front of this laptop wondering what to write. To be honest, it can feel lonely doing things by oneself. I easily lose track of the significance of what I’m doing that I swiftly go from “I love sharing with the world” to “who cares? You’re not saving lives.”

And that was my mindset when I decided not to send a newsletter last month.

It still is, but I let this slip during a talk with a friend, and now I’m being held at gunpoint accountable to send this.

I started this newsletter to share what I’m learning and observing about life. But as I type this, there’s a niggling feeling of sadness. I’m going to chuck it to my monthly cycle hormones, but I realize that for every sunshine-bright happiness I feel, there’s always something waiting in the corner to steal my joy. It’s like being one seed of doubt away from moroseness.

Around this time last year, I felt the same thing too. I was having the time of my life with my loved ones away from work and Lagos. But as that was ending, I started struggling with sadness so intense it felt like I was drowning.

I had to constantly remember to breathe and keep my head above water so it will not carry me where I no know. I listened to music about joy and spoke uplifting words to build myself up. I was in a constant state of being on guard because I feared if I allowed myself to wallow even a little bit, I would end up clinically depressed. It was so bad that I etched ‘Joy’ permanently on my arm.

This is the tattoo I put together in Canva. It says ‘Joy’ and what’s supposed to be a scribble of a sunflower to remind me that as sunflowers follow the direction of the sun so does my joy go in the direction of the Son of God. #bars. Lol!

Although there were triggers that made me feel out of sorts at the time, I think it’s weird how emotions can be so overwhelming to the point that you feel you have little to no control over them.

I don’t know where I’m going with this honestly. But I’m glad I fought for my joy. I’m happy I fought to stay sane. I’m glad that I’m here typing this. And that I’ve not become a shadow of myself.

I hope the rest of the year is filled with exceeding joy for you and your loved ones!

PS: A version of this story first appeared in my newsletter. Sign up here: One Thing Newsletter.